Tips to Avoid Pissing in the Superheroes’ Sails.
(Disclosure: The contents of this article are purely satirical and comedic in nature. In no way, shape, or form should it be considered actual medical advice. Obviously.)
April 25, 2019 — We’ve finally made it. After 11 long years, the climax we’ve been anticipating since Marvel kicked off their entire cinematic universe will finally arrive in theaters on April 26th in the form of Avengers: Endgame.
The run time is officially listed as 3 hours, 2 minutes. That’s 180+ action-packed minutes of watching your favorite heroes take on the seemingly-unstoppable villain, Thanos. In that time, you could watch the entirety of the 2007 Fantastic 4 movie twice. It’ll be interesting to see how the story arc wraps up, but the question not enough people are asking is: Can you hold your pee for 3 hours, plus previews? Is that a healthy, reasonable expectation to ask of moviegoers?
To answer this, we have the pleasure of having guest columnist, Dr. Hakkam Zaghmout, M.D., weigh in on the medical implications of such a superhuman task:
“The answer is yes, you should hold your pee for the entire length of the film. But not for fear of missing a critical plot point or disturbing all of your row mates from your seat to the aisle—It’s simply because you have to. Thanos was able to traverse time AND space to get all six infinity stones, and you can’t hold your weak bladder for three measly hours? What’s your level of dedication to being a true purveyor of cinema if you’re not willing to risk contracting a urinary tract infection (UTI) to support the team? We’ve waited over a decade for this moment!
After some time, the UTI will escalate to interstitial cystitis (i.e. bladder infection). With that comes some pain in the lower abdomen and discomfort during urination; however, this is where your true commitment to fine genre action films begins. Captain America goes into battle with nothing but a shield, so you can deal with a few cramps and discomfort while you pee.
From there, the bacteria will travel up your ureters, and infect your kidneys. You’ll start to notice a fever creeping in, along with sweating, nausea, and severe back pain. You may even get a kidney stone, but that’s alright since that’s one stone that Thanos can’t collect. And after all, isn’t one of the biggest themes of the entire movie series sacrifice? How can you even consider going to the bathroom just as the team is finally coming together for one of the most momentous finales in cinematic history?
Joking aside, throughout the four years of medical school, we had an innumerable amount of lectures, but none were more essential than the importance of holding your bladder during Avengers: Endgame. The benefits are listed below:
- You have two kidneys. You can function with just one.
- The team needs you. How can you even consider getting up?
- You’re gonna block the view of people in and behind your row. Don’t be selfish—stay seated.
- If you pee, Thanos wins.
So avoid alcohol, coffee, and just to be safe, water, from now until April 26th. Remember that the whole team needs you and adult diapers are available at your local convenience store for only $17.99.”